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 Giggles for the nite....

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hollyjohnnylee
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PostSubject: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:32 pm

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The
next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:33 pm

*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...


Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and her & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident.

12 years later, Judy *again*, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing
before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for
this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....


"I think he means her *legs*, Ethel..."
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:33 pm

The teacher asks the first grade students what kind of medicines they know
and what they are used for. The first pupil: "Tylenol?"
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?"
Pupil: "It is used for headaches."
Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher."
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?"
Pupil: “To help you sleep."
Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: "Viagra."
Teacher: “Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"
Johnny: "It can be used for diarrhea."
Teacher: "Who told you this?"
Johnny: "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ...
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:33 pm

Deliver the Baby
Deliver the Baby Due to a power outage, only one
paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the
paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high
over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very
diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......smack his ass again!"
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:34 pm

The drunk again....
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for
a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems
extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He
suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his
ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A
drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to
get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his
feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely
containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up
and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:34 pm

Mental Problems
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and
was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward
you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fucking train!'
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:35 pm

Discovery Channel

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery
Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had
penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The
husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few
days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:36 pm

A skinny little white Guy

A skinny little white guy goes into an
elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing
next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks
down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The
small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong
with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you
say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and
figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always
asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis,
my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and
my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
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hollyjohnnylee
so sexy
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:36 pm

Oliver Twist

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming
home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I
wonder if you and your new bride would like to have
them?"
"I'll
ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and
called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:37 pm

First grade

A group of kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
'You need to use Big People words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use Big People words'.
She then asked little Johnny what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.
'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the Shit.'
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:37 pm

Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny
silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a
thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said
the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the
thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you
have in it?' The blond replied...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
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hollyjohnnylee
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Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:38 pm

Splinters

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
She
neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her
haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The
doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He
smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
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hollyjohnnylee
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Gender : Female

Number of posts : 184
Age : 48
Location : cherryville nc
Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:38 pm

Hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair
styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to
the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't
go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It
was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time on one
of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And
the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually,
we were quite lucky," said the woman. "As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure
enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

He said, "Who fucked up your hair?"
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hollyjohnnylee
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Points : 413
Registration date : 2009-11-28

PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:39 pm

The Polite way to Pee

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael,
if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would
you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I
would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce
you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...
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hollyjohnnylee
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PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:39 pm

Sex-Ed.

I once took a sex-education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The
professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to
speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The
professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
student, there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat
auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over
his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he
called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally she said, "Only one, sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
From the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!
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PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:40 pm

The Nun and the Cab driver

A cabbie picks
up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab
driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She
answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The
Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"
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PostSubject: Re: Giggles for the nite....   Sun Nov 29, 2009 7:40 pm

Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old
and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a
beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I
was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to
wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my
first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it
over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight
and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she
looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just
a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my
hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she
asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly
and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I
slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her
panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't
have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It
felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!,
I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.

I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.
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